getting into Grad School

I'm good at a few things, procrastination, for example, but standardized test preparation is not one of them. Actually, now that I think about it, not being very good at preparing for the GRE can probably be accredited to my inclinations to procrastination.

I'm taking the GRE next Saturday, and I'm scared out of my wits. I haven't been doing so wonderfully on the practice exams; my scores reach nowhere near the safe level I'd like to them to, and I'm not entirely sure what I'll be able to do about it in the span of 5 days I have until my exam. I will, of course, have one more opportunity to take the GRE before the end of October (when my scores are due), but it would be nice if I did well enough the first time around, so I wouldn't have to pay the ridiculously inflated $140 testing fee. (September 23rd blog about that here.)

I'm beginning to get all the loose ends brought together for the whole "applying to Grad School" process. And yeah, even though it's not a proper noun, it totally gets capitalized letters. It's a huge deal to me. I've got 4-5 potentials in my mind for letters of recommendation; I'll be asking them soon. As soon as I get the GRE out of the way, I'll begin applying. I've got about a month to write my personal statement (which, of course, I have no idea how to do...).

"Applying to Grad School" has got me thinking--why in the hell am I doing this in the first place? Yeah, I like education, I thrive on classes and reading and learning, but what is all this bureaucratic mess I have to go through first? I understand why it's in place, but I'm not nearly competitive enough to do it. (Okay, obviously, I am, or I wouldn't be doing it. I'd be content to stop at my baccalaureate degree, having a completely normal and satisfied life like the rest of the world...) One of the schools I'll be applying to soon is UNC-Chapel Hill. I'm beginning to seriously doubt I'll get it. Not that I'm not intelligent enough, but to get into Chapel Hill is competitive. Everyone's trying to do it. The English department accepts less than 10% of their graduate applicants. Their deadlines are at least a month before most graduate programs, two months before some, and why? So they can weed out everyone who doesn't have it. Even on the chance that I would get in, would I really want to be in an environment that is so competitive, where each and every one of your classmates is fighting for your spot, their recognition, better of everything?

My second school is the University of Mississippi in Oxford. My parents are Mississippi State Alumni, so the thought of me going to Ole Miss is a little challenging to them, but hey, they're good parents and they'll support me all the way (even if they won't wear the t-shirt). I've heard good things about the English program there, and one of my favorite professors completed his graduate education there, so the education aspect looks promising. What I've heard about the social environment there, however, is a detriment to whatever academic appeal they have. Now, I can't say for sure, because I've never personally attended Ole Miss, but from family and friends who've been to Oxford, I've heard that socially, you must fit into a kind of social dichotomy - either you've got money and labels that you flaunt, or you don't. Even the professors are like this. I'm not much into labels, or social arrogance, and I don't know that I want to spend at least the next 6 years of academia in not only a university that operates on this, but a city. Plus, it's in Mississippi, which means that if I want to go out on the town for a night, I'd have to drive to neighboring Alabama, Tennessee, Arkansas, or Louisiana. Well, crap.

My third choice is the University of Georgia, where I'd originally wanted to go for my undergraduate studies before I realized that I actually had no idea what I wanted, and had better stay closer to home where I'd get in less trouble. I've heard some complaints about the program from some former English-major acquaintances of mine, and Athens is your typical college town. Studying is down, partying is up.

I guess I'm realizing I have no idea where I would fit in, and no matter which programs I apply to, they'll all have their problems and benefits. I'm having trouble realizing that it's probably not as big of a deal as I'm making it, either. The GRE is just the GRE, Grad School is really grad school, and not the end of my life. Sure, I'd get a more respected education at UCal-Berkeley, but I'm not so much concerned with how low people's jaw drops when they see my diploma as with how effective I am as an educator, or how curious I remain about literature. I think that in about a year from now, I'll realize that I can pretty much make myself happy anywhere, regardless of the storm of fears I'm going through right now.

But still, why in the world is the GRE so damn important?